We were back at the dorm after another full day of schedules. I lazily laid down on my bed, being completely exhausted both mentally and physically. The day had felt so long and a headache was growing in my head. I closed my eyes and massaged my temples, an action I’ve been doing a lot lately.
Even after 7 years of schedules, my body has yet to get used to the daily routine of fatigue. Coming home day and night after working all day got quite stressful. I had learned to smile through the pain, but no matter how well I mask it, the pain is still apparent.
Whether my back is turned away from it or not, it was still there. And it stayed there like a shadow. Lingered ...view middle of the document...
It is an occupation that makes me start doubting myself of who I am. They are both invisible to me and that is what makes it so difficult to find when you need it.
But standing on stage takes away my doubt. It is what reminds me why I’m still here. The fact that people are willing to listen to me is enough for me to enjoy what I do and yearn to do it more. Being able to do it with my members is a bonus. They excel in the thing’s I lack and have shown me how to improve in it. They inspire me to change myself to become a better person. To try breaking out of my shell, the shell I have been trapped in since the moment I forgot I had another life.
My life as Kim Taeyeon. The little lost child who never understood what the road I took will lead to. The lost child who performed for herself. In what seems like a blink of an eye, the lost child has turned to a member of the nation’s girl group ,having it’s burden on their shoulder in every performance.
Deep inside I’m still a child; just a child who doesn’t understand their surroundings and how it is to be someone else. I am now a child who performs for others and never just a performer for myself.
But unlike other children, I am shackled down, watched, and judged for every action, every facial expression, and every mistake - mistakes even in the simplest form that others don’t get criticised for. But then again I am not considered part of “others”, I’m Girl’s Generation.
There were times I felt so empty, however, as if I was nothing like I was air itself. It was not until my members opened my mind to look into their eyes that I noticed I was not alone in this. It took me a while to realise that it was never just about me since we became a group; that it was always about us.
But I’m fine with that. They were able to pour water in my empty cup. They were able to paint in my empty canvas. They were able to write in my vacant book. They were able to make me feel like something, like nothing is actually something. They are the beginning, middle, and end of my story. I still have an endless supply of pages to go, and so does the SoshiBond.
I accepted his task because there is a tear in our book… and I was the cause of it. Like everyone else, I wish to fix it. Not because of guilt, but because of something else - something so much more.
I wanted to tell the other members, but I didn’t want to burden them and put the weight from my shoulders on theirs. They were already carrying the same load as I was. I couldn’t ask for more. They had already been past giving me my needs to the point I learned how to want. And the more I thought about it, the more it felt like my mind would explode.
I let out a sigh to release my slight frustration.
“You okay, Taeyeon-ie?”
I opened my eyes and look towards my roommate.
“Just tired,” I answered with a smile.
“Aigoo Taeyeon-ah. When are you not?” Sunny teased.
“When we don’t have schedules,” I mumbled with slight resentment towards...