A Modest Proposal Concerning the Environment
* Based on Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” (1729).
It is a melancholy object to those who travel through this great country to see isolated corners of this fair realm still devoted to protecting the environment. The wretched advocators of these ideals are frequently seen doling out petitions and begging at their neighbours’ doors to feed their obsession, which keeps them in the contemptible poverty that they so richly deserve.
I think it is agreed by all parties that it is an eyesore to see these people blockading the roads to prime tree-cutting land and bombarding our most respectable government with impractical proposals. It is not so Herculean a task to discourage these self-named “environmentalists” in their follies by paying them no heed. However, a new generation of them has sprung up. Citing how it is in fact profitable to protect the environment, they try to pull blindfolds over the public’s eyes. Therefore, whoever could find an easy and economically sound method of reclaiming these lost souls would deserve to be made the head of our nation at the very least.
But my intention is very far from being confined to converting the people who are currently obsessed with protecting the environment; my aims are much more marvellous, and shall take in the whole number of people capable of falling in love with nature.
Now, sustainable development and quality of life are crucial to the well being of our nation. Thus, I have pondered many a year on this very important matter and have consulted a very knowing Canadian of my acquaintance at the World Wildlife Fund (WWF). The amount of natural resources in this country being usually reckoned infinite, I shall now humbly propose my own thoughts, which is to make the exploitation of nature beneficial to all.
According to the respectable acquaintance from the WWF whom I have aforementioned, more than 11 000 plant and animal species will be dead or dying in thirty years, worldwide. I reckon that it will do more good than harm to speed up the process of destroying these wildlife, for it will not only purge the world of the weaker species of life, but it will also generate billions for forward-thinking biotechnological companies such as Celera. With genetic modification studies well underway, we shall have a world teeming with manageable life forms that are of benefit to humankind. As this adheres to the sustainable development and quality of life ideals, let us back our governments in shunning the goals of the Kyoto Accord and the National Accord for the Protection of Species at Risk! It is, after all, not a matter of saving our politicians from embarrassment; rather, this makes sound economical and evolutionary sense. Moreover, the wealthier among us will do well to encourage poachers in their trades by purchasing their assortments of rare plants and furs.
I grant that the increase in...