A Play I Wrote For My "Modern Femininity" Class. Some People Might Find It Offensive. It Was In Response To The Assignment "Write A Creative Response To Changing Role Of Males In Modern Parenting"

5176 words - 21 pages

PEAS, STEAK, AND, JAKE.By Daniel NobleAn elderly man, wearing a jacket with only one button attached sits at a dinner table with his equally elderly wife, who is wearing tattered evening gown. Before them is a dinner of steak and peas. In the other seats of the table sit two stuffed animals that the couple believe are their children.Ronald: Margaret, I must say, tonight the peas have quite a bit of spunk. What prey tell is your secret, to such delightful green morsels of green peas?.Margaret: (Sips from her cocktail) Pepper, I love pepper, it turns an everyday meal, into culinary delightment. I used to use Mrs. Dash, but then she started giving me dirty looks.Ronald: Pepper! I should have guessed, it was like the peas were dancing on my tongue. But then I thought to myself, peas don't have legs, how can they possibly dance on my tongue.Margaret: Maybe they had prosthetic pea legs.Ronald: That would be quite a sight, wouldn't it? Remember when your brother had to get a prosthetic leg, after the incident. What was it we used to call him?Margaret: Herbert.Ronald: No, his nickname.Margaret: My, my, I seem to have forgotten. Oh wait, I remember now, Herbert No Legs.Ronald: Oh yes, of course, remember we would throw things at him, and then we'd say "Run no legs, Run," but he wouldn't run, because he had no legs.Margaret: Yes, I'm so glad we inherited his prosthetic; it makes the perfect vase for our lilies.Ronald: We should have filled it with pansies, it would have been more appropriate.Margaret: My mother used to grow the most beautiful pansies, right next to where we buried papa. She used to love to tell the story about how she accidentally dug up Daddy's eyeball.Ronald: Of course, and then she preserved it in a jar of pickled herrings she placed on your bed stand, and every time I'd come over, remember what she'd say?Margaret: You better not try anything frisky with my daughter, because her father is always watching. (She starts to laugh, and her boobs get in the soup)Ronald: Margaret, your titties are going for a swim!Margaret: OH MY! (She pulls them out) I suppose they were doing the "breast stroke"(she laughs again and her boobs go back in the soup)Ronald: (Addressing a stuffed animal) Molly, stop laughing at your mother, and eat your peas. (Talking to Margaret) Margaret, she says she doesn't like your peas, too much pepper.Margaret: TOO MUCH PEPPER! TOO MUCH PEPPER! I'll show her too much pepper (Margaret gets up with a bowl of peas and starts smashing them into Molly's stuffed animal face) Eat your peas, you ungrateful little twat!Ronald: Now, Now molly, don't give me that look. Maybe if you just ate your peas like William, your mother wouldn't have to shove them down your throat. (Addressing Margaret) By the way Margaret, William says eating your peas are like swallowing a ray of sunshine.Margaret: OH WILLIAM, WILLIAM! WILLIAM! You always were mommies favourite, I've got a snack for my good little boy. (She picks up William and sits down with...

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