A Residual Regret Essay

772 words - 4 pages

Ever had that feeling that just made you wish you did something but you chose not to for some unforeseen reason? Or even that feeling of regret that just takes over you and all your thoughts are just filled with “what ifs”? Maybe your regrets are just eating you alive and you just don’t know what you’re going to do now. I never enjoyed regret or the fact that it always came in the end. It’s like a rash that keeps on getting more and more irritating. Regret starts off as, “Oh. No big deal.” to where it becomes “I wish I did this. I wish I did that.” If you don’t know how to deal with it, it just becomes a part of you.

I have many regrets in life. Some are minor while others are still a part of me today. One of my biggest regrets in life was not being able to properly grieve over the loss of my dad. It was hard given the fact that he was like my rock in everything I did for my first 9 years of existence. I ...view middle of the document...

So shut up, leave me alone, and accept this little thank you while I imagine myself annihilating your face with a thousand rocks for saying such a stupid sentence.” I was as emotional as a pregnant woman and I was only 9. Anyone who saw me would always say, “She’s so strong,” or, “What a brave little girl.” Brave? Really? How was I brave. I was hiding behind a fake smile and a tough girl act to avoid my problems. I acted like I was always okay when I wasn’t. If anything I was a coward and I wasn’t even close to being brave. I wish I understood why I did what I did. My head was never clear in those couple of months while everyone was still trying to cope with the situation. I was young and naive and I probably never really accepted the fact that he was gone.

To this day, I’m still shaky with the subject with of my dad. Whenever I hear a story about death or someone would bring up cancer or my dad, I always feel like crying. I had too many emotions the I stored up inside of me and I knew they were begging to be let out of my emotional prison. It’s never easy to let go of someone you loved and cared about, especially when you believe that the time you spent with them was cut short.

I learned to slowly heal from what happened. Obviously I wouldn’t feel better the day after but I learned to accept that this would be a long process. Regrets to me are just another way of saying a “prolonged punishment”. They’re not necessarily a bad thing everytime they come along even though they seem like punishments. It’s basically like when a dog does something wrong, you need to keep them in check. You can’t just let them roam all over the place when they do something they aren’t supposed to. If anything I may not have fully been able to cope with this situation at this moment. But like everything in my life right now, it’s still a work in progress. No matter how long it’ll take to finally accept what happens, I know I’ll still make it through. My dad will always be my drive to strive to achieve my goals. I’m pretty sure I’ll still be able to survive without my dad, I mean I made it this far already so what else can hold me back?

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