Absolution From A Mother Essay

1914 words - 8 pages

Mother, I am not looking for the absolution and undoubtedly I don’t deserve it in your eyes. Your eyes… always so full of concern; constantly accusing. The pressure you put on me and the pain it caused was unbearable. Everything you have done – you told me – you were doing for my own good. But you never realized I grew up did you? It’s not possible, it’s just wrong that you want to make all decisions for me: beginning with the extracurricular lessons, through carefully selected well mannered friends and even the damn shoes!

You are dominating me at all times like I was just a puppet with no feelings and no knowledge. Ironically, I know more that you’d ever imagine, mother. I know you hated grandma. The envy in your eyes on every Boxing Day when she came with a visit, betrayed you no matter how hard you tried to hide it. I know you hated how I adored her and how she loved me – the way she never felt about you. Finally, I know that dad and you meant every word that was said that night; that night was the last strew. The hatred burning in your eyes, the obscene names shouted towards me, sickening disgust with myself and total misunderstanding from you – my omniscient mother.

Why can’t you be more like Nan? Sweet and loving. You, mother are just a cold, emotionless legal guardian. I think, I have done you a big favour, escaping your desperate greedy clutches of your matriarchy and freeing both of us. You don’t love me. You never did…

You’re always preaching how badly the drugs and alcohol can affect you. But pretending to be saint doesn’t work anymore, not on me, not on anyone else. Countless number of times I saw you having a drink late, after midnight when you though that no one could see you. You’re a hypocrite, mother.

Yes, I was reckless and yes, I partied too much just to make you miserable, devastated. At least at the beginning. But the world doesn’t revolve around you. It’s about me this time. Quickly, I discovered that smoking pot helped me to ease the suffering and temporarily quit all the problems. All your life, you assumed I was worthless, useless, rebellious… But you never tried to understand me, did you? You hated me for my beliefs and personality. Do you remember the dreadful curtains you admired so much? Of course, I hated them: so old-fashioned and glamorous – just like you. Truthfully, I don’t think they were that horrible; the fact that you never respect my opinion was the real reason behind my temper and my tears. You just continued to manipulate me – with no success. It’s your fault how it all turned out. The drugs were the easiest way to escape.

For the first time in my life I’m free. But I still can feel you’re influence on me. Here, in the deafening silence of this shelter, are so many people you always wanted me to avoid – drug addicts and dropouts. And you know what the strange thing is? I try to do as you always told me. Now I do. Now, when I have my independence. I’m just like the bird out of the cage –...

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