How Mental Illness Has Affected My Life

899 words - 4 pages

As I reflect on my life up to now I can see all the twists and turns that have inevitably brought me to where I am today. I grew up in Saint Paul, MN in many different lower class neighborhoods and apartments. I remember feeling like I was never in the right place at the right time. I was always experiencing the same cycle of disappointment; moving again and leaving behind the friends I never truly got to make. This began to create a loathsome feeling towards myself and my life. Moving again; okay then, who am I when we get there. In all honesty I ask this to the ghost of my past self; because I simply do not know anymore.

Soon thereafter my parents split up and I could feel their discord; like vibrations of hate upon snapping wires. They seemed to become somehow physically incapable of co-habiting the same spaces. It was as if something physiological that was once inside them was taken from them. Stolen was that strange organ that makes people feel the sincere need to be near someone else. As I grew older I began to observe my mother and her bizarre behaviors. Her anxious isolations and her pill bottle like a Xanax Barbie stuck to her hand. She was always so far away from me. I would sit and wonder where she would go; off to some corner of her mind where up was down and all the wrong in life was right. She was safe behind a closed door; in silence and stillness. I was always alone; and always lonely, with my mother in the next room. She may as well have been a million miles away from me. The older I got the colder the hugs became; it was like she was tired of faking it.

In time came her monster of mental illness into my own mind. Not only was I her spitting image; I also inherited her innate fear of everyone and everything. My social anxiety and phobias became my internal deciders; they dictated what I did, said and how I executed those actions respectively. They kept me from making friends and making the school bus in the morning. I would sit up the whole night before and dread the thought of being surrounded; suffocated by people. People who did not like me, people who want to embarrass me, hurt me, and destroy me. This mentality followed me all the years through to High School. I attended four different schools, yet I ended up dropping out right before my senior year. At this moment my social anxiety had become so big that I had allowed it to consume me, like a...

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