An Epidemic of Gross Proportions
KRAKOW, POLAND- According to an alarming new study published Friday by the Federation of Abnormalities in Thickness, the percentage of obese Americans over the age of twenty has just hit 40%. This growing obesity epidemic has been called one of the heaviest issues in modern day society. "I don't understand why those in rich, developed nations like the US or the UK get to gorge themselves with lavish delicacies every day, while in Eastern civilizations, people are forcing dirt down their throat simply to survive." said Winnie Woltrap, celebrity spokesperson for FAT. "So why is food still being handed to the already obese Americans while the millions of starving people in Africa have bellies full of worms?"
Woltrap is one of many public figures to address the dilemma. Lewis Izan-Brenner, a FAT activist, agrees that action must be taken. "I see them everywhere I go, it's like I can't get away from them. I have to pay extra for first class plane tickets so I don't end up wedged between the window and the fat rolls of the gluttonous mess fastened beside me." Brenner recently proposed a bill to Congress which would establish a boycott on all obese businesses, defined as establishments owned by a person with a body mass index of greater than 25. "We need to show these human circus tents we mean business. We must stand up for our rights. Those of us who eat healthy and work out should not be subjected to this visual torture." It allows for a three month grace period before individuals are sent away to the fat camp, located on Alcatraz Island, a mile south of the San Francisco border. Brenner's bill also proposes that those over the accepted fat density be required to wear a cheeseburger pin over their clothing, to instill public shame and motivate them to lose the weight faster.
Adler Hiolf, an aspiring politician, posed a more drastic...