Have you ever had a stalker follow you 24/7, and want you dead… having to live with him whispering in you ear that the world would be better off with you not in it. Well this is what living with anxiety disorder is like.
Now obviously this is an extreme end of the symptoms, but sadly it happens to often, and we are forced to cope with it. My symptoms, yes mine, range anything from racing thoughts, to a racing heart, to left-field thoughts of suicide.
I feel like anxiety is such a touchy subject that very little people want to openly talk about it. I mean where is the stigma in saying, hey last week I wanted to kill myself. It just doesn’t roll of the tongue, or really relate to anyone who ...view middle of the document...
Regardless if the task has a deadline of 1 day or 1 year. It all seems to just way down on you, making it hard to just focus on the task at hand. To cope with this I typically just have to take a break from everything, write down everything that is haunting me, then arrange them by priority and start crossing them off my to-do-list.
A medium reaction for me, this typically happens if I cannot calm myself from a mild reaction, is that my heart starts racing and my mind goes blank. This is truly the most frightening experience when it happens for the first couple of times and you have no idea what is going on. My mind literally does a clean sweep of all short-term memory, my body goes numb, and I can feel my heart jumping out of my chest. I don’t know how I got into this panicked state, because my mind has been swept clean. The only remedy I have found for this is to find mundane task like cleaning or organizing. It is almost like waking up out of bed, and having to start your day over again. You don’t remember what you were working on, what you had planned for the day, or what things are of high importance. The best thing is to just start being productive, that way you don’t have to worry about doing these things later. Then when you start to reprocess what needs to get done for the day, you can transition to these new activities.
Sadly, I have had several severe reactions as well. Where even when I start the mundane activities my mind still is blank, and fails to regain consciousness. Then you start to panic, that you mind is blank and not working. The hardest part is you know there are things you need to be doing, you just have no idea what those things are. This is when my body goes completely numb; I can no longer breathe and start hyperventilating. Once I start hyperventilating, it is so hard to stop. Mainly because you don’t even have an idea of what is going on. This has wound me up in the hospital multiple times due to passing out.
Sadly, none of these reactions or symptoms are ideal, I would love a life were I can just worry about what needs to get done. Then use my anxiety as a motivator to get things accomplished. Instead, my anxiety is more of a Mr. clean for my brain. It clean sweeps my thoughts, my fears, and my emotions. It just leaves my body a tomb of what life form use to inhabit it. Eventually I can regain consciousness, it is more of just a matter of when, and what symptoms will I have to encounter on the way.
Now that I have somewhat explained what goes on, this still does not do it a justice, as there is not word that can express how it feels to have you mind go blank, and feel like you are on the outside of you body looking in.
The biggest struggle of all of this is no one understands, and I am not expecting people to understand. Unless we develop a technology where you can sit here and experience the situation with me, you will never understand. My hope is that you will learn how to sympathize though. We don’t need...