This essay is to be about my conflict. Therein lies the problem: I know not what my conflict is, only that
it is immaterial and spectral, lingering over me like the gossamer of spiderwebs on good days and the weight of a two-ton boulder on bad days. I call it loneliness, insanity, and myself..
It’s something on the inside, deep inside my soul and... it’s like the Earth. We live upon it, yet we have never ever seen its iron core; nor will many of us ever need to. People are the same, so complicated on the surface that there’s no necessity to understand what lies within. There’s no need to celebrate the mountain of melted iron at our planet’s core. We have plenty of iron; we don’t need more from the center of the Earth, thank you very much.
On the scientific side, without the iron core, Earth wouldn’t be able to generate its magnetic field, meaning it wouldn’t have protection from the solar winds. Without this barrier, the planet would have been bombarded by this merciless force, and nothing- mountains, rivers, oceans- let alone life, would form. Without its core, this planet would be a barren, lifeless wasteland. We would be another empty void floating around in a universe filled with them.
I believe that humans are the same: We are complicated on the surface, so complicated that the notion to examine what really “lies within” ourselves may never arise. However, something is there- something that drives us to be passionate about love and firmly stand against evil. It is immaterial, internal, and yet it aids our survival, protecting us against the sting of harsh words, and maybe even the worst pain of some of the physical wounds. It may be merely the electrical impulses of our nerves. It may be supernature and beyond science.
I don’t know too much about my “internal drive” at this time; only that I call it madness, loneliness, the desperation to be accepted, the conflict I battle daily. I only hope that if I examine myself one final time, perhaps the solution will come to light.
I immigrated from China to the US when I was young, but I do not believe that it was a language barrier that caused me to feel alone, rather the environment and my nature. I had lived in Detroit until second grade, and bad people lived their. The daycare I went to was charity-run; a lot of the children there had homeless parents. It was at that daycare that I learned English, and I’m rather proud to say I picked it up quickly- within the first day or two, I could speak and understand relatively well. Even so, I connected with no one at that daycare- I felt alienated, from a different world. I spent most of my time talking to teachers, by myself, playing senseless games. I had no one for company, yet (this still baffles me) I never felt lonely. Perhaps I was simply too young to know that dark feeling.
The alienation continued. In third grade, when I moved from Detroit the suburbs, filled with far more amicable people, it...