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Dream Job A Satirical Look At Federal Grant Money And Those Who Are Elected To Oversee The Projects.

859 words - 3 pages

Washington, DC. OfficeOffice of Dennis HastertSpeaker of the House235 Cannon HOBWashington, D.C. 20515Dear Mr. Hastert,I was pleased to hear that you were interested in placing a rider for Oceanography Research of the Hawaiian Islands on the upcoming stimulus package. I've been involved in conducting Aquatic related research for the Federal Government for the past decade. Some of my more esteemed projects included the 'Study of Inoculation of the semi-transparent Sea Turtle', 'Why Sea Otters and Orca Whales don't get along', 'Salmon are from the Atlantic, Halibut are from the Pacific' and of course my favorite 'Dolphin Sonar and Star Wars: How Aquatic Sonar may stop the next Nuclear War'. Each of these well funded Federal programs provided Congress with much needed research to help in deciding where tax dollars for future fiscal periods should be spent. For instance, no longer does the government attempt to house Sea Otters and Orca's in the same location, saving American's millions in annual Sea Otter replacement. My years of experience and tract record show that any representative that sponsors one of my projects will not regret it. Of course, I am only as good as my team and require the sponsor of the Federal Project to make regular visits and put in their input for the good of the American Tax Payer. I know that this requirement may be of great distress to you, with your busy schedule, however, I will require that you spend at least two weeks a quarter on or around the site. The Hawaiian Islands are remote and can be a very dangerous place, the eminent threat of volcanic eruptions can make even the bravest weak at the knees, so please carefully consider your decision in regards to sponsoring this project.I got my first taste of tax payer grant money in the great state of Arkansas researching 'G100' for the then Governor William Clinton. He was the one who helped form my insistence of regular visits by the project sponsors. He really took the 'G100' study seriously; sometimes he visited our test site multiple times a week. Our charge was to create a better marijuana plant for medicinal purposes which resulted in the now 'G1000' grade of marijuana that is distributed to cataract patients today. I was greatly distressed to find out during his presidential candidacy, he 'never inhaled' during all those tests he aided in. Consequently, I sometimes question our testing results due to our heavy reliance on his input of the effect of G1000. One study sponsored by the late Sonny Bono, proved...

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