Humorous Wedding Speech by Brother of the Groom
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen.
My name is Bill, Michael's brother. Michael didn't choose me to be in the wedding party in the traditional way. Actually, I drew straws with our other brother Sean. (pause) But just because I'm up here speaking don't for one minute think I was the winner.
I think all went well this morning getting Michael ready for his big day. The condemned man ate a hearty breakfast, but alas I was unable to comply with his last request as a single man due to objections from the S.P.C.A...........Bloody do-gooders!
Going back some 30 years my first memory of Michael was that he was small and a bit dribbly – yes that’s right, very similar indeed to how he looked at the church this morning. So it shouldn’t be too hard to believe that he was a deeply ugly baby. So ugly in fact, that when he was born the midwife had to be restrained from slapping my parents. And come to think of it, I recall my mum suffering badly from morning sickness ……. right up until Michael’s 1st birthday.
I was however very excited at the prospect of having another little brother. Someone I could dress up as a gimp and scar for life - you know, the usual brotherly stuff. But even before he was born he was getting ME into trouble. It was seven months into my mum’s pregnancy and I spotted her arriving back from a hospital check up. I was with dad and thought it be would funny if I made out she was holding a baby. I was quickly proved wrong in the assertion that it would be funny and received an all mighty bollocking from my father … after first seeing him race to the window at a speed Damon Hill would have been proud of.
In early life and school Michael was the model son and pupil. He was more familiar with PE ratios than dead arms, said 'Whom' instead of 'Who' and was noticeably pleased when disruptive individuals were sent to the office. He was destined to do well and appeared to have only one weakness – no...