Keeping My Walls Up Essay

2003 words - 8 pages

There is a wall that I have built up in my life. I let very few people in, and I let even less information from myself out. I feel like I am protecting myself by hiding behind this wall. I realize that this wall inhibits me from furthering myself even in the slightest bit, but it’s not necessarily something that I have chosen. Things that have happened in my life made me the way I am today. A series of experiences largely caused by my homosexuality has led me to close myself off from other people. Instances that have happened within my family, school, and even my adult life that have just reaffirmed every wall that I have put up against those around me. I wish that I didn’t feel the necessity to do this, but as time has proven, I must guard that which I hold dear or it will be exploited.
For organization’s sake, I will start with the past and move to a more present time with my stories. In 5th grade I was just discovering my love of Britney Spears. I remember when I would dance to the constant ridicule of my siblings. They noticed that I was the only boy they ever knew that danced to Britney. Her music was generally classified as girls’ music, and obviously it was improper for me to be dancing to it. I had been jamming out to my Britney one day and my sister had some of her friends over. I may have been jamming out a bit too loudly, and so my sister decided that the privacy of my room needed to be invaded. She along with her cohorts broke into my room and made fun of me. My sister ended my embarrassment with this simple statement. “I can’t wait until Mom and Dad find out you are gay.”
Imagine being in fifth grade when your hormones are just beginning to kick in. You begin forming opinions, developing taste in music, and notice things romantically in people that you never saw before. This is a very tender time for most individuals. Think about what toxicity statements like that have on somebody in such a time in their lives. While I don’t hold any ill-will towards my sister and her friends, I do feel that many of my walls resulted from this kind of torment. When I was made fun of for my actions, did I flaunt them more or did I feel the need to hide from them? I think that one of our most natural instincts as human beings is to yearn for acceptance. So to gain acceptance I hid those aspects of myself which were not accepted. This was just one of the many events in my life that made me feel the need to hide who I really was. By the time I was in high school, my true emotions were so effectively withdrawn that I cannot say whether it was actually me at school or just a façade playing myself.
I came out of the closet my sophomore year of high school. It was a rough time for my family and I. My sister was pregnant and in her senior year of high school. She wasn’t living with the family because my parents wouldn’t allow her to live with us anymore. My Grandma and Grandpa both died within six months of each other, and I am almost positive my parents...

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