Meowulf A Creative Spoof On The Anglo Saxon Epic Meowulf. It's Written In Alternating Verses Of Prose And Poetry, And Will Make Your Teacher Laugh To An A.

1328 words - 5 pages

Beowulf is an Anglo-Saxon epic read and enjoyed (if by enjoyed you mean hated with a fiery, burning passion - wait a second. . .) by students everywhere. It was once thought that it was one of the only surviving pieces of Anglo-Saxon literature (apparently the Anglo-Saxons liked their literature as much as we do). However, to our dismay, a new manuscript has been excavated, about Beowulf's brother, and his adventures in a land known to them as: The Cherry Hill MallMeowulf: Translated from old varsity cheerleader by Glarin TronfaarYo! We have heard of the glory of the Sears-Roebucks in the old days (10 years ago), and kings of enterprise - how noble entrepreneurs showed great feminism!Often Guli Cainfort seized g[reat f]ood court benches, from many a freshmen, from many a gang; he terrified checkout ladies, even though first he was found broke, penniless. He plundered shopping bags, terrified rent-a-cops. He was a good king!Guli then departed, at the appointe[d time], still [with a] high [credit limit], to the final shopping place. His dear mall-rats carried his body to the mall's exit, as he had ordered, and let him drift away in the parking lot, much like he had came.[skipping 300 Christmas seasons, as Anglo-Saxon poetry often does, Hignar is now king of all Cherryland, and is very old and very broke]Hignar was given 10-50% savings in macy's, such sky miles in Sam Goody that the [lackies] at his school eagerly served him. It came into his mind that he would build a great non-alcoh[lic]everage hall (people stop hanging a[round]all day at the mall when they're old enough to go some place more exciting.) for his homitatus, which the sons of tools would hear of forever and ever. It was to be named Caernot. Then, it is rumored, the story of the work was emailed to all people throughout middle-school.After many years of labor and shopping sprees, Caernot was finally completed. Hignar broke no promises, but dealt out coupons, shopping savings at his table (oh, if you haven't figured it out yet, they're all in a mall. Yeah. Look for that big four letter word emblazoned across the front cover).[many people sing stupid songs, chants, laments, fight, flyte, klyte, blah, blah, blah, onto the exciting stuff]But things were not all good, for lurking in the darkness (well, as much darkness as you can actually find in a mall) lurked a great monster. Descendant of Lisa Minnelli, cursed for all time, descendant of a long line of losers and high school dropouts. He had long forms and white teeth. It was Spendall, the mall survey guy!Haunted by envy and the absolutely awful music of N' Sink and the Backdoor boys, Spendall finally cracked (I know no jury in the world would convict him), he burst through the doors of Caernot, and uttered the words that strike fear into the hearts of all men: "Would you like to fill out a mall survey?"At dawn, when the tools learned of Spendall's annoyance, there was great wining. Hrognar sat sadly, cursing for his men. Calvin Cline...

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