May 2, 2000
There have been many times in my life when I have experienced some kind of renewal or regeneration. Yet, there are only a couple that seem to stick out in my mind. The first experience in my life that gave me a sense of renewal was when I met the person in my life that changed it for ever. I would relate this experience to a specific archetype that I found while doing some reading. It is the caregiver type. The second point was when I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, and the feeling of relief that accompanied this. I would identify this with the experiences that Job faced when he was tested by God.
When I was a senior in high school I was into a lot of things that I knew were not me. I was into drugs and alcohol, both of which changed my personality into someone I did not know. The person that I had become was also someone my family did not know. I had changed right before their eyes. I was no longer the little girl they once knew. I had turned into this hateful being who cared about nothing but herself. I did not realize it at the time but I was dying inside. My new friends, my drugs, and my alcohol were eating away at the person I once was, and soon I would be gone for good. Or so I thought.
I graduated high school by the skin of my teeth. I did not want to enter college because I just wanted to watch television and hang out with my friends. Well, my parents made me apply to college, and eventually made me go. Believe me, I fought it every which way I could. Once I figured out that I was going to stay in college, I found ways to occupy my time. Of-course, I was not occupying my time by attending class. Instead I was experimenting with drugs and alcohol.
On some days, I would get out of bed around ten o'clock, shower, and go to a friends' room. There I would just hang out all day long, until they got sick of me and I would find other places to go. I went to class sometimes, when I felt like it, that was seldom. I hardly ever talked with my parents, I think I resented them for sending me away.
Let's just say I got through the first semester without failing. I was psyched, even though I did earn a couple of "D"s. My parents, however, were not as excited as I. They said that either I shape up or I could find a new place to live when I returned home for the summer. During the next semester I went to class more often, but did not change my attitude towards anything else. I was still partying at all hours of the night, I was not taking care of myself and had plummeted to about 95 pounds. I was just wasting away into nothing. I did have a boyfriend who I thought I loved. Except he loved every other girl but me. I guess I figured that was what I deserved, little did I know I could do better.
At the end of the semester, I went to an end of the year party. Of-course, a party, my favorite place to be. I had gone with my boyfriend, who was...