This semester, I had the privilege to experience unrestricted creativity in a structured writing class. Now, as I reflect upon the semester I come to realize how closed minded I really am. This semester, I was challenged as a student writer to draw upon something or find inspiration from within to constructively create a masterpiece with words. Often times, finding or even tapping into my creative nerve was very difficult. Then I came to realize, as a student writer, I am paralyzed by a concept called decision making. In a Public Administration Leadership course I actually learned something about myself. What I had learned really took me back to all the other structured writing classes I have taken over the years. There is a psychological test called the Big-5 Personally Traits which measures an individual’s ability to effective leadership. After taking several Big-5 Personality Test I realized that I lean towards the closed-minded leadership style. Then I had a self-actualization about myself when it comes to my writing. I realized that I struggle with writing because I am a decision maker and not a problem-solver. My entire academic career, I was taught the decision making style of writing and not the problem solving style. I realize, now, why I cannot paint a detailed masterpiece of vivid colorful artwork in the minds of others. Or why I cannot dazzle, inspire, and cause one to move to my words. In essence, I have a weak inner voice and subdued to the influence of just putting words on paper in a manner that hopefully makes sense.
On the journey of life, one of the major trials I have to endure is the external influences that cause me to become decision-makers and not a problem-solver. In essence, I box myself inside the ideologies of others making pre-programmed decisions without realizing it. In the essay, Dr. Don, Dr. Don Cloud led a life, living in the matrix, making decisions after decisions. When he received a picture of Wrigley Field after his brother’s death he realized how closed-minded he was. His decision not to go see his brother due to his sexual orientation was an external force, extended from his past, making the decision for him. “I was angry with myself for not being comfortable in a house where two men were sleeping together… I didn’t want to see two men kissing each other. It wouldn’t bother me now, but it did then. I really regret it” (p.160). I too Dr. Don, I too regret that I did not speak up for my inner-voice. That I was more afraid of getting a bad grade or having a lecturer not like than expressing what I really wanted. I really regret it.
As I started to write this triangulation essay I had everything I wanted to say down pact ready to go. However, as I started writing, things about this essay did not feel right with me. Sure, I had all my quotes and the topic of my discussion in order but there was something missing. Then I realized something. I was ignoring this voice from deep within...