Sometimes, Spencer thinks back to the time when A was just a letter —
There were days when she felt on top of the world, and others when she was forced to doubt everything around her, from the fact that nobody honestly would have voted for her as class president, or the fact that Melissa was always the child that her perfect parents were going to favor more - no matter how much she tried and hoped for something better, Spencer's ideas would always be mercilessly shot down by Ali, who perhaps only saw Spencer as a potential friend, because she was the only one who had the nerve - and perhaps, the stupidity - to question Ali.
Spencer's always envied her best friend - then again, Ali was ...view middle of the document...
There's no God for her to blame anymore - because if God existed, then her life wouldn't be hell - and Spencer can only blame everything on herself.
Sure, she's not a perfect child - that much Spencer's aware of; but her parents strip her down and examine her body and her mind for any flaws, and even when they're looking at her from afar, she feels as though they're trying to read her mind, looking right through her glassy mindset, fragile, and easy enough to break - no wonder people consider her to be the weakest link.
But Spencer's not good enough - and she could be a better child, one that her parents would be proud of.
Sometime between the years of ninth and tenth grade, Spencer doesn't take the intitiative to put in the extra effort - she stares at the looming computer screen in front of her, the impending due date of an AP Economics essay, and stares at the clock, her head slumping upon bony wrists and thin, skinny arms (her parents had always commented on how Melissa was looking much healthier lately, and never said anything about Spencer; perhaps, if she lost ten pounds, twenty pounds, they would notice her), and falls apart.
She jerks herself awake in the early hours of the morning - there's a cup of blood in front of her, with a piece of parchment from a Chinese fortune cookie, You know what to do - A; and Spencer stares at an empty word document. By now, the document should be filled with ten, if not fifteen pages of single spaced information about the system of European feudalism, but there's a much easier alternative.
Melissa's computer - a thin, lean Macbook that her parents would never have bought for Spencer - looks so tempting, and she can hear Ali's voice taunting her to just pick the easier option; the voices increase -
And, Spencer gives into temptation.
(It still doesn't feel right when she wins the Golden Orchid Award for an essay that isn't even hers and all of her friends just talk about the award as if it's academic bling, when it means everything; it doesn't feel right when Spencer is forced to tell her dad the truth, that the essay isn't hers, and then he gives her that look - as if he knew all along, because Spencer Hastings will never be good enough to do something as great that; only Melissa would be; and it goddamn doesn't feel right when she profusely apologizes to Melissa, who just looks at Spencer as though she's nothing.)
Years later, everything gets harder - the threats are more imminent, and there's no point in sleeping because Spencer might never wake up again.