Retrospection On Writing Essay

1135 words - 5 pages

Yuwei Chen
Retrospection on Writing
When I saw the news saying that after 15 years Leonardo DiCaprio was embarrassed about his performance in Titanic, I did not expect that I would feel the same way when I read the college application essay I wrote one year ago. Although I submitted the final draft because at that time I believed it was the best revision, now I can immediately point out a couple of mistakes and weaknesses. The essay did not have adequate details about what I did in a program about finance and money management, and therefore it was confusing. Moreover, it had many weaknesses such as rough transitions and grammatical mistakes. If I were the admissions officer, I would not ...view middle of the document...

We were required to design and distribute questionnaires for a money management plan.” In this way, I do not have to think twice before finishing a complex sentence, and readers can comprehend my essay easily.
Moreover, the transitions between paragraphs and sentences were awkward. I did not write any transition sentences to connect paragraphs, so sentences and paragraphs were linked roughly. Thus, after one year, from the perspective of a reader, I think that the essay is chopped into several unrelated pieces and they cannot convey a clear thesis altogether. For instance, I mentioned my unpleasant presentation experience in a paragraph and ended it with the sentence “I couldn't answer a question from my peers about a concept in my slides, which was embarrassing.” Nevertheless, in the next paragraph, I suddenly started narrating that “several managers gave us lectures in the next few days, but the final project… was the most impressive lesson.” What separated these two paragraphs was not only the “enter” button, but also the logical and chronological gap. Since my essay was in chronological order, the lack of transition phrases or sentences led to a failure to establish connections between ideas. At that time, I did not recognize the importance of transitions and believed that as long as I expressed my ideas clearly, my readers could understand my thesis. After taking college writing classes, I realized that smooth transitions will link the essay as a whole and promote readers’ understanding of the essay as a whole. To resolve this problem, I will use more transition words such as “moreover”, “however”, and “although” to clarify the relations between sentences and paragraphs. Also, by mentioning the key words in the prior paragraph, I will be able to switch topics more smoothly.
Nonetheless, the biggest problem of this essay was not the rough transitions, but the lack of details about the program and my performance. I found that I tended to omit some details. I either wrote something generally, or completely ignored and skipped it. In my application essay, I wrote that I was unable to step out of my comfort zone to distribute survey. However, as to...

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