Satirical Essay About Radical Environmentalists: Hardcore Environmental Greenies Are Very Dangerous People

1943 words - 8 pages

My wife drives a Nissan Altima that gets 32 miles a gallon and I motor around in a Maxima that faithfully achieves 28. My spouse and I habitually recycle our paper, glass and metal county trash and keep it all separate from our town-collected “other garbage.” We conscientiously maintain our property in a neat manner and keep our shrubs and bushes trimmed and our lawn well manicured. Like the plurality of Americans, we respect the environment and try our best to protect it.

A fairly funny joke goes something like this: “Yesterday it was so cold outside that I actually saw a liberal with his hand in his own pocket!”

I happen to believe that hardcore “Environmental Greenies” are very dangerous people. The fanatics invent crazy modern mythological terminology like “carbon footprint,” “alternative energy” and “global warming” and the overzealous charlatans expect to make the rest of civilization (including our easily impressionable and indoctrinated school children) feel guilty if we aren’t voluntarily and gullibly deceived by their creative frivolous terminology.

But it’s my sincere contention that the on-a-mission Greenie extremists (along with their suspect unproven theories) constitute a major threat to American civilization because their radical militant movement is counter-productive to our already fragile U.S. economy and their perverted liberty-threatening agenda is a direct detriment to U.S. national security.

For the purpose of clarity, let me explain my seemingly bizarre position on this contemporary issue. In truth, the more radical militant Greenies want to restrict your (and my) automotive mobility and limit your (and my) “fossil fuel freedom” in order to make you and me become more dependent on electric-powered vehicles and state-sponsored mass transportation.

Generally speaking, radical Greenies are “extreme liberals” who don’t like American dependence on either foreign or domestic oil in order to operate our automobiles. The crazed lunatics insist that we use “alternative energy” to replace the scourge of petroleum products and carbon emissions presently polluting the atmosphere.

Let’s get real here! When is the last time you’ve seen an automobile passing you on the highway with a solar panel and a windmill on its roof responsible for propelling it? Not even the most devout environmental Greenie has one of these “alternative energy” babies!

“Alternative Energy” does not exist on any practical functional level! It’s successful implementation effectively replacing standard auto’ engines and fossil fuels is still decades away! The unique terminology “Alternative Energy” is really an anachronism, a misguided misnomer designed to goad the rest of us into feeling ashamed of driving around in gas-guzzling SUVs, Altimas and Maximas.

The so-called totally electric cars that are out there are abundantly overpriced modes of transportation. One popular version sells for 44 thousand...

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