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School Safety A Modest Proposal

699 words - 3 pages

In this day and age where school administrators consider backpacks, lockers, and baggy pants to be potential dangers to students and faculty, what will be next? Perhaps pencils, pens, scissors, and glue will be added to the list of items to ban from schools. These, along with other hazardous educational necessities pose real threats to maintaining an orderly school and should be prohibited.

Staplers for instance, are nothing but injuries and carnage waiting to happen. A projectile staple, sharper than shards of broken glass and much more unassuming, can take an eye out. Moreover, how many children in this world have accidentally stapled their finger, allowing dirty, rusted metal to enter their bloodstream, causing not only pain and agony, but also splurting slurps of flesh and crimson goodness all over the room, spraying and infecting all innocent bystanders with the newly diseased, hepatitissed blood? Clearly, staplers have the possibility to wipe out entire populations.

Similarly, scissors, with their shark-toothed Edward Scissorhandesque blades, have the possibility to send an unsuspecting high schooler home without a finger, or if the edge is razor sharp, perhaps even missing an arm or leg. And contrary to popular belief, once a limb is gone it will not grow back (think Monty Python). Another common evil scissor sin is tossing a pair of scissors to a classmate when asked “Hey can you pass those?” So the devilish device is innocently lobbed (or not so innocently) through the air, mutating the once paper trimming device into a veritable spear. The parallel can also be drawn to writing utensils and their frightfully sharpened points. If backed with enough force (F=ma), they morph into virtual daggers, lusting to brutally stab anyone who stands in the way. Worse yet, these weapons have no prejudices and will strike everyone with the same level of malice and intent to destroy. No one is immune.

In any common classroom these items of chaos run amuck, infiltrating nearly every aspect of learning and corrupting America’s youth. Glue, a perfect poison,...

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