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Test Of Character Essay

674 words - 3 pages

Actions speak louder than wordsI just wish I could speak, I wish I could express myself.The thoughts are there, so bloody damn clearly, but the words they just do not come out of my mouth, as hard as I try the murmur is still here.The movements, they are all thought about, but the control I have over myself and my actions are absent.The emotions are here too, sometimes without control they show so clearly to people around me, but for me, well im my head they aren't so clear, they are confusing.The anger and frustration that comes with no control over myself is immeasurable, and its god damn exhausting.My mum Ruth, I know what shes thinking, I can't say it, I can't show her I know, not even my dad Sam knows what I know… but I know.She doesn't think im aware of what she is going through, the pain she is in, well I guess this is because I cant' show her I know. But I do. I see it each and every day.I just want to hug her, squeeze her tight but I can't, because my body seems to react in this way, this way of violence.The hittingThe screamingThe marks and bruises I leaveThey aren't intentional I promise.I wish I could show her my love some other way, without hurting her, without leaving a smear.My dad, he isn't all what seems.He isn't strong, I see it when he comes to visit me, or even when I do home visits when I can.The alcohol it has become a part of him, a part that no one can take away from him.I guess it's his escape, but that's okay I would probably get pissed a lot if I had to deal with me too.And the reality that someday I would no longer have a wife, just a retarded son which I couldn't control, that I couldn't live with because the force i bring on him, my whole body weight sometimes, one day I could bloody crush the poor guy.Its okay, I get...

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