I was born to a teenage mother where physical abuse between my mother and father had been present. Though my mother had been caring and loving towards me, eventually my father had become absent because he desired to be with a family he created during my parent’s marriage. By the time I was five-years-old he had become completely absent from my life. Due to the witnessing of the abuse my father had done to my mother, I had become a child who could not count on others being kind or caring in my life which caused me to become weary of others around me. I had projected my insecurities on other people especially when my mother had started to date other men as I was afraid of any man my mother started dating, I mistrusted men, and pushed people away because I was afraid they would leave me.
My mother had become the only person that I would ever trust and be comfortable being attached to in life. This theory correlates to Erikson's “trust versus” mistrust theory where children are trusting and expect their relationships to be persistently gratifying or the child is mistrustful and is persistently mistrustful of those around them, in effect the child will withdrawal from people around them. As a result of my childhood lifestyle I had become a mistrustful child. I did not like strangers especially men to come near me and I had always remained fearful that they would hurt my mother or I. This in turn has continued to follow me throughout my development as I continue to struggle with it in my early adulthood. Despite the amount of mistrust I had developed, I was a child that was full of wonder and possessed the desire to be an individual. When I was younger at the young age of three, I would want to buy my own food with the little money I would beg to earn. I would ask my mom to give me “work” and would help her around the house to earn a dollar to buy my own ice cream. The small events of buying my own ice cream or being able to put myself to sleep without the help of others had always given me a sense of conviction and pride, as I continued to grow into my childhood I persistently gained the desire to be autonomous—a leader. Though I would say that I had been born with the innate desire to be independent, I also feel like my mother encouraged my independence because she did not want me to become reliant on another individual (especially a man). It seems as if my mother had driven me to be more independent so I would be able to evade getting hurt by another person. Today, I still carry this with me and it has helped fuel my desire to achieve without the help or aid of another person.
As I had merged into my childhood I had persistently carried the weight of adult’s criticisms. As I had been forced to live with my grandfather due to my parents’ divorce at the age of five, I had a bared a large amount of criticism from my grandfather. I had been persistently reminded that I was a “bastard” child and that I would never be...