Vulgar Wedding Speech by a Childhood Friend
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. This is my first experience in playing such a large role in a wedding. And I really appreciate Lee and Susan giving me the opportunity to make a fool of myself in front their friends and family, rather than just my own all the time.
Yes, I am feeling pretty nervous at the moment, but not as nervous as Lee was this morning. He said that he had a few butterflies in his stomach. Well, he should be feeling better now, as I found this in the toilet just after he'd left it. [hold up a brick]
But unlike me he didn’t have anything to be nervous about. Everything has gone to plan and I can’t imagine a happier way to start married life than in this wonderful venue with all their family and friends around them. Ok, so I can – but it would have to be an exceptionally big Jacuzzi.
Enough about the wedding, I really should grasp this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to reveal to you all Lee's past misdemeanors. Unfortunately, I have played a part in most of these incriminating events and I really don't want to tarnish my impeccable reputation. So instead, I'll keep things very short by talking about Lee's one and only weakness – an inability to wipe himself (wipe his own arse)!
According to his brother Graham, he relied on his mom (mum) to perform this service for him. Lee would scream at the top of his voice “I’VE FINISHED”, which was his mother’s (mum’s) cue to come running to his...