Wedding Speech – Best Man
Hello my name’s Paul and I’m Martin’s best man, although I’m sure Martin will have a new name for me by the time I’ve finished this. When Martin asked me to be his best man I was initially thrilled at the prospect. Unfortunately it didn't take long for this feeling of well being to dissolve into utter apprehension as I remembered the last time I had to stand up in a room full of people….. I was found guilty and fined $300.
I went to a wedding two weeks ago that was held in a nudist colony. Apparently I was just half an inch away from being the best man there too.
By the way, if anyone is running a book on the length of this speech could I put $5 on it lasting 12 minutes please?
Firstly I’d like to congratulate Martin on his speech. I'm particularly impressed with the fact that you all paid attention and followed his instructions not to laugh. I’m also impressed that Martin followed my instructions to dress smartly today, although I am a bit disappointed he decided to copy my outfit.
I have known Martin for over 10 long long years now. When I first met him in college he was loud, aggressive, rude, abusive and swore a lot, but just look at the man he’s become now…..nothing has changed. Whilst at college we discovered a local nightclub called Winkers. I would regularly witness Martin’s unique, raw, undiscovered style of dancing in Winkers that left the women speechless. By speechless I mean absolutely none of them would speak to him.
I’d like to mention Martin’s good points. Martin is intelligent, caring, trusting and good look…look… (look at Martin) “I’m really sorry Martin, I can’t read your handwriting”
One of Martin’s strongest traits is loyalty, he is an State University fan after all. A team that has done nothing except disappoint him and betray his hopes and dreams for the past 5 years. If that is anything to go by Anne doesn't have to make any effort for the next 5 years, she can make him miserable, break all her wedding vows and generally walk all over him……and he'll still feel that things will turn around come August.
Martin used to a good runner as a young man. Unfortunately Paul Craig soon convinced him that getting plastered in the Black Horse in Chorleywood was the way to go instead. It certainly was a shame to see such a promising athletic career go down the pan at the tender age of 12.
Those of you who have experienced being in a car with Martin will know that it is like going on the Nemesis at Alton Towers…..backwards……after 5 pints of lager….blindfolded . One of Martin’s first cars was a Fiat Regatta and it was truly a danger hazard. I remember being a passenger when Martin would go round a bend, my head would be out the window on one side and my rear-end would be scraping the road out the other side of the car. Martin, please don’t treat Anne the same way you treated that car. Treat her like Pete treats his Aston Martin:
Go easy on the throttle,
Steady on the...