Well Shiver Me Timbers And Guard Thy Booty

1184 words - 5 pages

As I stepped out of my cabin and onto the S.S. Sultry. The S.S. Sultry's crew were all looking down at their feet to afraid to look me in the eye. As slowly walked by each of them. I noticed as I did each one slowly lifted their heads to get a glimpse of my magnificence. It's as if I read their minds. They were probably thinking something like “oh god it’s no wonder we lost to him," "
"Hell he could have beat us with a row boat”
or “oh I’m not gay but I would consider it a honor to be raped by that man”
I continued to pass the defeated crew members shaming their game to no end as I did. Until I reached the captains quarters door, I placed my hand on the knob and was about to turn it. Suddenly I stop.
“what the fuck am I doing” I exclaimed. “I don’t open doors of defeated ships”
I snap my fingers and a small little man who’s name I can never remember, but does all the door opening. Came running over and opened the door. I really should learn his name but all I know about him is he always smells of whisky and he opens doors for me.
As I step into the room the captain was seated in a chair behind a desk with his back turned to me. A strange smell of pretty things hit my nose. “Why would a captain’s quarters smell so nice?” I thought to myself.
I decided to give him a good rousing to put him in place. With my quick thought I came up with the greatest joke to play on the captain. It was good that it would take most people their entire lives to come up with something so good. “I say it smells so pretty in here that I almost thought this was a ladies powder room.”
I laugh a little at how great the joke was, and I could tell that my quip struck a nerve in the captain because he turned around faster than a crow with a wizards fast spell would turn. But to my surprise the captain wasn’t a captain at all, but a lady captain and she was beautiful. I could feel my heart thump all the way down to my crotch. This lady had it all two arms, two legs, breasts, a head, and a vagina at least I hope she has a vagina. I couldn’t really see I mean she is wearing clothes.
She jumped up pulled out a dagger and ran at me. Her hair flowed in the wind like a herd of buffalo flowing down the river. Now you think I should be worried about her coming at me with the dagger, and that I should stop noticing her hair flowing, but I wasn’t scared. For one reason she was a women, and my father always told me that women don’t know how to use daggers. But I made a grave error that day because she didn’t have a dagger at all, it was a knife, and while women don’t know much about daggers they do know a lot about knifes. When I realized my mistake my butt hole clenched up so tightly with fear. I couldn’t move, I was frozen stiff as frozen mountain. She had the knife over her head and screamed a loud scream so loud it hurt my ears pretty bad. She started to...

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